Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
