I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
