I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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