4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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