Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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