i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
