In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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