i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
