party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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