I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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