I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
