drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
