The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
