Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
