So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
