Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
