Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
