Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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