I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
