Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
