it wasn't lemon gatorade
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
