Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
