Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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