census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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