we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I stole a fireplace last night.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
