If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
