Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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