so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
