I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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