i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
