genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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