The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
