His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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