Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I cannot find my penis.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
