made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
