A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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