I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
