I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
