Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
