he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
