I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
