Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
