Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
