I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
