Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
