I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
