I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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