I didn't shave. On purpose
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
