while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
