8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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