I accidentally had phone sex last night
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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