last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
