Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
