How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
