Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
