Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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