ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
